Hello Ms Vicki,

My husband has just returned home from being deployed in Japan for three years. It has been a complete and utter nightmare. When I greeted him at the airport, I hugged him, cried and told him how glad I am to see him and to have him home.  His response, “likewise.”  Went to pick up his luggage, I told him how good I thought he looked and said he looked as if he lost weight, in hopes of hearing something in return. Nothing. 

I worked six and a half hours building a fence just to put a big huge welcome home sign up in lights for him. It lit up the whole side yard. I said, so what do you think?  His reply, “uh huh.” 

We go into the bedroom. I made a huge 3-foot card for him and had it out on the bed, which was covered in rose petals. He moved the card, (did not read it for three days). I hugged him at the end of the bed and asked, what are my chances of possibly taking advantage of you tonight?  He said, “Ok I guess.” Walked to the other side of the bed, took his clothes off and laid down. I’m just standing there, like, now what? We had sex, but not really. 

I figured after being away for three years it would have been something a lot more exciting. He did not touch me, kiss me, or even look at me. I was in tears. That told me a lot.

I want to know that he is happy with me. I would prefer that he open up his mouth and tell me. I told him I deserve some respect and feel loved.

I had taken two weeks off of work to be able to spend time with him and I have only left the house with him once and the rest of the time he is to busy or too tired to even just sit with me. It’s very hurtful and frustrating to want and need to be with someone for so long and to be treated with such disgust.

I just don’t know what to do. I have no money to leave, but I also feel like I deserve a chance. I waited so long, I deserve it.

Thank you for listening, any advice would be great. -- K.H.

Dear, K.H.,

I'm sorry to be so blunt and candid but I have to be truthful. Here's the deal — your husband has totally checked out of this marriage. However, I'm not sure why he's remaining married to you legally. He’s obviously living a different life in Japan, one that does not include you.

Right now it's important that you not be in denial. If you do then you could very be surprised when you’re served with divorce papers. Trust me, I see so many military spouses who stay silent just to get along in a marriage and not make waves until they’re told by their husband that he wants a divorce.

You should start making plans now about your finances, etc. Your husband’s actions are a red flag. Think about it, he has been away for a great length of time and returns treating you like a stranger. You even had to ask him to make love to you and in my opinion he didn't even respond to you on a level that shows that he loves you, let alone in love with you. Believe me, you deserve so much better. It's time for you to get your head out of the sand. I think you should begin seeking legal advice, consider employment so you can begin to put money aside and reach out to close family and friends who can show emotional support to you. I'm not telling you to pack up and leave or file for divorce. Conversely, I am saying that I believe he is planning this.

You should also contact MilitaryOneSource and they will connect you to a professional counselor in your community. The sessions are free. A marital counselor would be great for you and your husband. However, I don't think he will comply with this recommendation. I think you should speak to a counselor anyway. This person could give you resource information and be of support to you.

Lastly, I think you should begin conversation with your husband, talking to him about is behavior changes and actions toward you. Pretending everything is alright won't make the problem go away. I regret sounding preachy. I really wish you the best. Let me know how you are doing periodically.