Just load my stocking down with coal. As a professional writer, I can’t seem to write a good Christmas letter. I gave up trying several years ago and resorted to photo cards, the kind with a cheery greeting and our smiling faces and names conveniently mass printed for distribution. Taking the easy way out makes me feel like a sheepish elf.

The typed Christmas letter is a great way to update folks, especially for military families who have lots of special people enter and exit their lives year round. But the American Christmas epistle has gone the way of the holiday fruitcake: it gets little respect.

Fears of old friends, extended family and acquaintances mocking my missive give me major writer’s block. And so, like crinkled tinsel, my writing attempts end up in the wastebasket.

My husband edited my fledgling letter writing attempts in the early years of our marriage with a heavy hand. When he was through all that remained on the page was the bone of my prime rib. When I protested he said, “We can’t send that out. People will laugh at us.”  I started scrutinizing the news I shared. Did my husband’s high school friends really care about our trip out West? Or that our son is learning his ABC’s? 

Kudos to those with creativity.  Last Christmas, an Army wife friend mailed out a hilarious letter “written” by her dog. But in the hands of an amateur such an undertaking could turn out to be more mutt than pedigree. 

So what’s a wayward writer to do? I contacted Christmas letter expert Lisa Howard, whose site www.christmaslettertips.com, was mentioned in The Wall Street Journal and in Woman’s Day. Last December Lisa, who sends out about 30 Christmas letters each year, appeared on National Public Radio (NPR), discussing how to avoid the pitfalls of writing the holiday letter. Her site is chock-full of information and inspiration on ways to improve Christmas letters.  Lisa lives outside Sacramento, Calif., and makes a living in the Internet business. In 2004 she started Christmaslettertips.com after receiving “some horrifically boring and depressing Christmas letters.”

She thought she might be able to help a few writers and have some fun at the same time. “And it has been a lot of fun,” she said. “I’ve found out that there are some very imaginative folks out there and the bad rap that Christmas letters get is not necessarily deserved. Some are horrible, but all are not.”

I started off with my most pressing questions.

Me: “Is it ever ok for the family dog to write the Christmas letter?”
Lisa the Christmas Letter Whiz: “If the family dog is funny and can spell well, of course he should be allowed to write the letter.”

Me: “Should bad poets just send a family photo?”
Lisa the Christmas Letter Whiz: “Yes, there are some people who just aren’t good writers and probably shouldn’t send a letter, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have other options. Non-writers can create puzzles, quizzes and other fun ways of communicating during the holidays.”

Me: “I once received a four-page Christmas letter. Single-spaced. Front and
back. Any advice for the writer?”
Lisa the Christmas Letter Whiz: “After you finish writing your letter, read it out loud to yourself. If it doesn’t sound natural or you get bored before you finish reading, you probably should go back to the drawing board. Four single-spaced pages with no photos is too long.”

Me: “What are things you should never ever include in your letter?”
Lisa the Christmas Letter Whiz: “I don’t think any topics should be taboo because bad things do happen to good people, but letter writers should remember that this is an annual wrap-up that’s sent at a time of year when people are celebrating and joyous, so if there are bad things they need to mention — a death in the family, for instance — they shouldn’t go into excruciating detail. Neither should they try to pretend it didn’t happen. I heard of someone who sent a letter every year that included a photo of the family dog, and when he died, she didn’t want to mention it because it was a ‘downer.’ But everyone was used to seeing the dog. In that case, I think it’s ok to mention the event without giving every detail of the dog’s demise.”

Me: “Is writing about the length of your incision from gallbladder surgery TMI?”
Lisa the Christmas Letter Whiz: “I’m a firm believer that life happens and no topics are taboo, but there is a time and place for everything. The Christmas letter is not the place to describe every last detail of your surgery, but if you need to mention it, keep it short.”

Me: “Where’s the fine line between bragging and sharing info?”
Lisa the Christmas Letter Whiz: “The secret to sharing good news without bragging is no different in a Christmas letter than in real life—just don’t gloat. Good things happen to people in life and others are usually happy to hear about your successes, but you need to leave room for them to cheer you on and congratulate you.
If you’re the kind of person who goes on and on about how wonderful your new job is or how amazing your kids are and you don’t let anyone else get a word in edgewise, you’re probably going to have a problem with your Christmas letter. Tell your news plainly and without fanfare. Or add a touch of humor. People do like to hear good news from others. They just don’t like having it shoved down their throats.”

Me: “In this day and age of Facebook, family blogs, and group email updates, will the Christmas letter go the way of the...”
Lisa the Christmas Letter Whiz: “Eight-track tape? Maybe. But the demise of the eight-track didn’t mean the demise of music. It simply means that people found a new way to listen to music, and that may be what happens to Christmas letters, too. I simply think the format will change. The web and all its social applications actually make it easier for people to keep in touch. I think Christmas letters are already becoming Christmas slideshows and animated greeting cards and digital scrapbooks and videos. The tradition won’t go away, but the method of delivering it may change.”

Me: “Military wives move a lot, so we are always meeting new friends and saying
good-bye to old ones. This can make for a long Christmas list. Where should we
draw the line?”
Lisa the Christmas Letter Whiz: “There’s no law for how long or short a Christmas list should be, and I don’t even know if Miss Manners or Martha Stewart has rules about it. So follow your heart. If you want to keep in touch with someone through a Christmas letter, by all means, do it! But if your list is getting too long and you’re keeping someone on your list out of a feeling of obligation, then it’s time to stop and evaluate. Do you have communication with this person at other times of the year? Do they send a Christmas letter to you or just a card with no note? If you have no relationship, don’t feel obligated to send a card. But if you want a relationship, even if it’s just to keep in touch briefly once a year, keep sending your cards and letters.”

Me:  “I once received a Christmas card in February. Any thoughts?”
Lisa the Christmas Letter Whiz: “I’m sure Miss Manners would be appalled, but so what? Would you rather get a late letter than no letter? Do you care about the person who’s sending it? There’s nothing particularly ‘Christmas-y’ about Christmas letters. They’re about our families and our lives, not what we’re planning to eat for Christmas dinner or what Santa is bringing the kids....