My husband opened the door to my closet and let out a gasp. “Holy cow!”

“What?” I said. “Did you find a dead animal?”

He closed the door and looked at me owl-eyed. “You  have  to clean this out.” 

While some people arrange clothes by color in what’s known as the “rainbow closet,” my wardrobe would be more appropriately named “tornado alley.” Closet chaos has always been part of my life.

I recently dreamt I came home to a living room full of forlorn-faced people who gathered on my behalf for a closet intervention. Each took a turn speaking.

My college roommate: “Tanya, just because we wore the same size and kept our clothes mangled in a big heap on the floor when we were 20, doesn’t mean you should deny the use of hangers as an adult.”

My husband: “Even though you totally hogged the two walk-in closets of our first apartment and only reluctantly gave up half your sock drawer for my personal use, I still love you.”

My mother: “Don’t think I’ve forgotten about the trail of ants leading into your closet when you were 8.”

Before I can defend my actions, I am whisked away to Messy Closets Anonymous for a six-week stay. My group therapy session goes something like this: “Hello, my name is Tanya. I’m here because I keep maternity capri pants, a snowman turtle neck and summer tank tops all wedged in the same drawer in my closet.”

I awake before finding out if I’m ever cured. Back in the real world, this past New Year’s I vowed to clean up my act. As a person who frets over throwing out a paperclip, this was going to be a gargantuan task.  But I decided a closet is a terrible thing to waste.  Although I had lofty expectations, two garbage bags full of clothes for charity didn’t make much of a difference in the mayhem behind my closet door.

I got serious a few weeks ago with a pending PCS move. The thought of lugging pilly sweaters and single socks to a new duty station was enough to make even me want to burn down my closet. So I took a critical look at my wardrobe and wondered how it ever got so bad. 

I had enough tops and jackets with shoulder pads to outfit a football team. I had so many long skirts and ankle-length dresses I could be an extra on Little House on the Prairie.

If I needed more convincing, performing a ragtag fashion show for my husband did the trick.

“What do you think of this?” I ask, decked out in a dress with a white top and long navy skirt. I’d worn it one time to a convention dinner 10 years ago.  

My husband glances up from the TV after Tiger Woods makes his stroke. “It looks like you’re going to a choir concert.”

“What about this?” this time I come out wearing a plum-colored dress with a tan flower print. It used to be my favorite.

“That’s borderline. You could probably hold on to that one.”

“Borderline? I don’t want to look borderline!”

“Then get rid of it. Hey, can we do this another time?”  Next I emerge wearing a cotton dress cut above the knee.

“I don’t think so. That’s way out!”

“Okay what about this denim vest? I’ve never worn it, but it might come in handy if I ever go to a Texas Hold ‘Em party.”

Now I have my husband’s attention. “Don’t buy stuff waiting for a theme party to come along.”

When all was said and done, I filled a number of garbage bags with hundreds of pounds of clothes.  In the process, I found a rather curious item in the bowels of my closet: a ‘70s-era plastic Bert head puppet (Ernie’s buddy on Sesame Street) I’ve had since age 6.  He was in my closet for reasons I can’t fully explain.

I found some other things I’ll never wear again but can’t part with—my father’s USMA sweatshirt that’s on its way to disintegrating, my grubby extra, extra large Penn State sweatshirt and a very ugly $5 ”I climbed the Great Wall” t-shirt. 

I’m not the only clutter bug out there.  A few years ago the Rubbermaid company researched consumer closet habits and found only 29 percent of respondents thought their closets were well-organized. Besides “cramming closets with hundreds of pounds of clothes” Rubbermaid researchers found “wardrobe proliferation,” which they define as an “unwieldy” assortment of sizes, shoes and accessories, to be a big problem.

So I asked "The Closet Queen," Beth Levin, (www.closetqueen.com) a professional organizer who’s been featured in Cosmopolitan and on HGTV’s Mission Organization, for some advice.

Me: “Any advice for couples who must share a closet?”

Closet Queen: “For couples who share a closet, designate a hers side and a his side. If space is tight, the main solution is to pare down items. Closet walls won’t expand, so you need to make the most of the space you have. A great way to seemingly help expand space is to install a custom closet system, which can include shelves, drawers and double hanging space. These systems use height and can almost double your closet. Since they can range from $800 to several thousand dollars, a custom system is an investment and should only be purchased if you own your home.”

Me: “Are Space Bags the way to go?”

Closet Queen: “Space Bags are great space savers, especially for out-of-season and bulky items. Comforters and bulky sweaters can be reduced to a fraction of their size and fit easily on shelves or under the bed.”

Me: “If you can no longer see the floor in your closet, is that a bad sign?”

Closet Queen: “If you can no longer see your closet floor, you need to spend some time working on your space. It means that either you have too much stuff or that you don’t put items where they belong after you use them.”

Me: (uncomfortable silence)

Closet Queen: “If you have too much, pare down by getting some heavy duty garbage bags. Designate one for donations, you can get tax deductions and your items go to a good cause, and one for trash, items that are stained or ripped.  Fill those bags and immediately get them out of the house and where they belong. Many people have a hard time discarding their clothing because they put value on them. But if your space is a mess and you can’t find anything, you need to pare down. Life is hard enough and being organized allows you to have one less thing to worry about.”

Me: “Amen, sister.”

Closet Queen: “If your closet floor is a mess because you don’t put your clothing back where it belongs, you will need to spend lots of time cleaning up the mess. The solution is to never have the pile in the first place. It takes about three to five minutes to put clothing where it belongs each day—hamper, dry cleaning bag, hung back up. Or you can spend hours of your free time to clean up a mess. The choice is yours.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Not that I'm asking for myself of course, but does a disorganized life manifest itself in a messy closet?

Closet Queen: “A disorganized life manifests itself in disorganization in many areas of the home.”

Me: (uncomfortable silence)

Closet Queen: “Spending just a few minutes each day to clear clutter around the house amazingly also helps clear your head.”

Me: “What’s the oddest thing you’ve found in a bedroom closet?”

Closet Queen: “I never tell, but I have found everything under the sun.”

Me: “By chance, have you ever run across a Bert head...