Whatever you do, no matter if you feel like going or not, attend ceremonies and events. Your presence at the event speaks volumes. Your presence says that “it” (whatever “it” may be) is important.

I was given this really good piece of advice from a very intelligent, fun-loving, inspiring woman I know. She is a woman I deeply respect for her energy and honesty but mostly because she is “real.” She happens to be the wife of an Army general. Now, I’m sure you want to ask me why it would matter that she is a general’s wife. It doesn’t. What does matter is her level of experience along this journey, and the position of leadership that she accepted because of her husband’s career.

Let’s be frank, rank may not matter but experience does, and usually the two are intertwined. Spouses assume a certain level of leadership based on their husband’s rank. Whether you’re the spouse of a sergeant major or the spouse of a Colonel, there are assumptions and expectations from others that are attached to those years of experience you carry.

I’m sure that when the general’s wife gave me this advice she never though it would have mean so much to me, or that she would profoundly impact the rest of my Army journey. If she did, she never let on. She was just doing her “job,” and doing it well. She was passing on inspiration, knowledge, and advice to a fellow brave soul.

As “seasoned” spouses we forget, we are leaders too. Perhaps it’s by default, but nevertheless we are the ones that pave the way for those who follow. They look to us for examples of how to brave this life. What we do, how we act, is very important to our environment. We have the power to make or break someone’s experience along this journey. You may not realize it but your actions speak louder than your words ever will.

You’ve all met the uncommunicative, better-than-you, know-it-all, snob of a colonel’s wife haven’t you? Don’t be her. The most effective leaders are those that create a positive environment. Show genuine appreciation. Communicate openly. Demonstrate loyalty to our Army; but don’t be afraid to take a stand. Most importantly, be approachable. Be real. Be normal. Be honest with yourself and humble with others. Credibility is the foundation of leadership. People like people who show they’re human.

Too many spouses spend years living the Army life, and think that they know it all. Just because you have done something before does not mean you know all the answers. You need help from others. No one is an expert. Just about the time you think you’ve gotten it figured out the Army will change it.

We need to know that leadership skills come from learning, too. If anything else, we need to learn from our younger generation and know the struggles they face and realize they may or may not be the same as ours. We need to understand how to reach them, and how to connect. We shouldn’t assume that if we know it, everyone does. We need to find out what other spouses don’t know about Army life, and teach it to them if we’re able. But we also need to recognize what they already know, so that we can be effective.

We can only do that by opening ourselves up and embracing our leadership roles. We can only lead if we know who is following. And, real leadership means leading yourself to reach out, ask, participate, and become a part of the bigger picture that is our own Army family.