The first time my husband came home from a war zone, we fought so hard I threw a styrofoam cup at him. It was that or slug him. Army researchers have found that among returning combat veterans, the percentage facing divorce has almost doubled, up from 9 percent to 15 percent. How can we avoid becoming a statistic?

While we often can't control the amount of stress deployments throw at us, we can control the way we respond to it. And the way we respond can either undermine our relationships or actually strengthen them.

John D. Moore, a licensed clinical professional counselor who counsels and teaches military spouses, has developed a four-step plan to strengthen our relationships. The plan zeroes in on what he sees as the two biggest problems during deployment: lack of contact and lack of routine.

STEP 1
Create and Follow a Prevention Plan

The goal -- ensure that you and your servicemember maintain as much contact as possible while at the same time reducing the disruptions, worry, and helplessness in your life.

First, brainstorm the available modes of communication. Phone, e-mail, instant messaging, Webcam, snail mail -- don't rule anything out.

Then analyze your family. Is there a problem that needs to be addressed before the deployment? Every relationship can use a checkup. For help sorting through the issues, your chaplain or community service center can hook you up with a marriage retreat or confidential counseling. Or find free civilian services through MilitaryOneSource.com.

Once the deployment starts, let your servicemember make the first contact. He or she can report the best times and ways to communicate after getting a handle on daily life "over there.”

Set a time and date for each communication. But be realistic. It may be difficult for servicemembers with unpredictable mission schedules to stick to a regular meeting time online or on the phone.

Finally, remind yourself that schedules change and flexibility is a must. Moore has discovered that "it's more important to do the communication than to actually communicate." At the end of an hour spent writing a letter or assembling a care package, you often feel as if you've spent some special time with your spouse.

STEP 2
Healthy Communications

When you make contact, make sure it's healthy contact. Worried about infidelity or money? Don't go there. Don't rehash old arguments. Don't share problems or bad news your servicemember can't do anything about.

But do tell the truth -- if there are problems with the children that your servicemember needs to know about, don't sugarcoat it or be misleading. Between contact times, Moore's advice is to make a list of your needs. If you need to hear "I love you," say so; don't expect him or her to read your mind. Always share true feelings and expressions of love and commitment.

Finally, reaffirm your next communication session. It may be specific: "I'll write/call/e-mail you again tomorrow!" Or it may have to be more vague. Either way, you'll both have some idea what to expect.

STEP 3
Establish Routine

Stay involved with the same family commitments you had before the deployment. Keep attending your church or children's play group.

Celebrate the holidays as they occur, especially when children are involved. Videotape holiday and birthday celebrations instead of postponing them. Set aside one day a week for a family event. You need each other now more than ever. And plan regular activities that strengthen the long distance connection with your deployed servicemember.

STEP 4
Reassess Your Plan

Ask yourself the following questions:
Is the plan working?
What can be changed?
What cannot be changed?
Look for new opportunities to improve your connection and your routine as they come up.

The amount of contact between deployed servicemembers and their families back home depends on the servicemember's location and personality. My husband, for instance, likes to save money. During one typical deployment, he called home exactly twice, the first time for a minute, the second time for five minutes, both times because it happened to be free. As long as he was on a ship, though, he could e-mail me for free all day long, assuming he had time and the ships' outdated computer systems hadn't crashed.

During the early months of the Iraq War, however, when he was either on the move in a Humvee or camped in the desert, he had no e-mail, no phone, just a pen and the little brown paperboard boxes that held his MREs. After he ate what was inside, he'd cut the paperboard into pieces with his knife and write on them as if they were postcards, except instead of featuring famous landmarks or resort beaches like real postcards do, they boasted the nutritional data of, say, beef strips in teriyaki sauce. On the back of one, he wrote, Hey Babe! Starting to miss you, although it is not a heart ache. Looking forward to the first mail drop.

Eventually, each one would wend its way around the globe back to me. I'd sit on my stoop in the sunshine and read it, and reread it, and then add it to the rubber-banded stack I carried with me everywhere.

I came to love each of those slow-motion postcards more than I ever liked e-mail or the occasional phone call. Whenever I felt lonely for him, especially during the first month after the invasion began when I had no word from him at all, I pulled out that fat stack of cards -- mixed fruit, beef with mushrooms, wild and yellow rice pilaf -- and ran my fingers over his familiar cramped handwriting. I couldn't hold him, but I could hold these cards that he had held.

How do you and your deployed spouse stay close?