I recently went to a dinner party organized by my local military spouse’s club. The food was very good and the evening was pleasant, until someone sitting at my table mentioned that we should separate enlisted wives and from officers’ wives. “Why?” I asked, and the friendly yet misinformed spouse told me “you know, fraternization.”

This was not a new spouse, someone whose husband just joined the military, but a seasoned military wife. Surely, I thought, she didn’t mean what she said. I told her, “That’s really for active duty. For spouses it doesn’t matter,” but she continued on with her theory about working things out more efficiently in smaller groups, having more in common with wives whose husbands are in similar situations, I guess in her mind that meant similar rank. I ended the conversation by telling her that I remained convinced it was a bad idea.

I have seen this phenomenon in the military and in the civilian world. A spouse, usually a woman, finds her self-worth and identity in her husband’s job and feels entitled to wear his rank, or flaunt his position to everyone around. Unfortunately, this happens a lot.

Often, in military circles, when someone asks me personal questions, I notice that they are trying to figure out what my husband does. It’s understandable, though. I try to my job, or my children, or that I’m originally from Italy, or anything else that will bring the focus back to who I am rather than what my husband does. This is not to say that I am not extremely proud of him. There may be people or circumstances when it’s appropriate to share an accomplishment; for example when I am talking to my sister, my close friend, or my husband’s childhood buddy.

But most of the time, it shouldn’t matter. With all of the moves, changes and business of our days, it’s hard enough to find time to talk and appreciate friends, let alone worry about what their spouses do.

Truthfully, isn’t this focus on status another form of closed-mindedness, or worse, classism?

I don’t ignore the fact that there are differences between someone who runs a unit and a newly enlisted soldier. I don’t pretend that when I entertain my husband’s boss’ wife I don’t feel a tinge of guilt when my home is messy.

But at the same time, I can’t take rank or position into consideration when making friends. In doing so, I begin a dishonest friendship and miss out on the opportunity to truly know the other person.

It’s challenging enough for women, busy with work, family and responsibilities to find time for friends, we don’t have to throw into the equation rank or status.