Making friends is a skill military spouses can learn and will have the opportunity to practice. We continue to share stories and ideas based on how other military spouses have made friends. If you’re a new military spouse and need a refresher course on making friends, use these stories to inspire you:

Attend activities provided by your spouse’s unit. Almost every spouse we talked with for this chapter of our book mentioned at least one good friend they met through their spouse’s unit. That is indeed how we met one another — when our spouses were both attending a military school together.

Army Spouse, Tara Crooks, told us the following story of how she met her first military friend:

“My first military friend I met through our Battalion Coffee Group. I always tell the story of me moving to Fort Hood, Texas before Kevin was there (one year early) due to him doing his schooling. I worked for Nine West Group, Inc., in Austin and lived in Killeen. I had never been on a post other than Fort Sill as a ‘drive-by’ and so I was terrified of the commissary and the PX and had no idea what the ‘military’ was all about. I spent an entire year working my tail off long hours so that I didn’t have to go home because frankly I was lonely! When Kevin finally came to Fort Hood and we joined a unit, the battalion commander’s wife was so wonderful. She personally called and introduced herself and invited us to her home. I think if she hadn’t done that I never would have gotten involved in coffees and other events in the battery or battalion but thankfully she did. I met my first friend, Erin Nauman, there. Her husband and mine worked together and ironically were very good friends, though we didn’t know. We spent our four years in Texas hanging out and exploring with the Naumans.”

Since that time, I have recognized the value of social events in the Army (military) and I attend Officers’ Spouses Club, Family Readiness Group, battery and battalion functions, balls, etc. You never know what you might find once you’re there. It’s definitely out of comfort zone but it’s helpful.”

Connect with other military spouses during deployments
You might want to take part in military support groups, especially during deployments. You’ll connect with others dealing with the same kinds of challenges you are dealing with — and you’ll get information about the unit that you might not otherwise get.

If you are considering moving home during a deployment, you might reconsider. As Marine spouse Tina McIntosh wrote in a recent Times newspaper essay, “I thought coming home would be easier and less aggravating. I was wrong.” Tina moved home to Ohio when her husband deployed to Iraq. “I had no idea that things would be this different away from a military base or that people were oblivious to world events. I assumed people respected our troops. I was wrong. It seems as if they don’t even realize there are troops abroad in hostile environments.”

As she and many other spouses have learned, it can be difficult to be in a civilian environment where everyone is simply going about their lives as “business as usual” as if there were no war going on and no Americans like your spouse living in daily danger.

It really does help to interact with others. Other friends and family can be sympathetic and supportive, but nobody can really understand what you are going through unless they have done so themselves. Consider these comments from women at a recent retreat for spouses dealing with a year-long Iraq deployment:

• “This weekend has taught me that I’m not alone in this situation and that my son is not the only little boy that doesn’t like to listen and is not so well behaved. Now I feel like I will be able to make it.”

• “The best part of the weekend was spending time with other spouses who you know are feeling and going through the same thing as you are. To be able to share feelings and be able to just cry when there was the need. To have people around who understand exactly how I feel and have been feeling for a whole year.”

As Navy spouse Erin wrote: “The Norfolk Navy Wives are wonderful. If you need an ear or shoulder at 1 a.m., they are there. If a ride is needed, babysitting, a party, BBQ, or just shopping with a buddy, they are there.”

When Army spouses Cathy Sterling, Clara Bergner, Carol Brooks, and Ellen Torrance lived at Fort Stewart, Ga., they said they couldn’t have made it through those days and months of deployments without their “walking talking” buddies. They met in the morning to walk and talk. They claim they would “solve all the world’s problems” during those regular walks. They held each other accountable and supported each other. The exercise was an added bonus.

You can also try what four Marine spouses did during a long deployment. Two of them would take all the kids for an evening and overnight at one house. The other two women would then have the evening to enjoy a movie and dinner with each other. The next morning these mothers would wake up on their own schedule — no children to feed or get ready. A night and a morning of no responsibilities were absolute luxuries for each of these busy moms. The next week they would reverse roles.

Military friends are also important because they become a surrogate family during deployments. You do so many things together — from dinner to watching television to spending time with your kids — that you would otherwise be doing with your spouse. When your spouses return, you both immediately understand that the intensity and time available to spend with one another simply will not be the same. Your civilian friends might not be as quickly understanding of that sudden change.

Watch for more ideas of ways to make friends in next month’s column.

Excerpted with permission from Help! I’m a Military Spouse — I Get a Life Too! How to Craft a Life for You as You Move with the Military (2d Edition released April 2007 from Potomac Books, Inc.)  by Kathie Hightower & Holly Scherer.