Take a pack of diverse people from across the country and around the world, invite them to bring along their opposing politics, opinions, and religious beliefs, cram them into a small room, and throw in flammable topics such as the war in Iraq, the use of torture, and whether or not programs for military families really do any good, to name a few. Then strike a match and see what happens.

That may sound like a typical family readiness or support group meeting, but I was actually at the U.S. Army War College in Carlisle, Penn. I was participating in an annual event called the National Security Seminar. Every summer, as more than 300 senior military officers and Department of Defense employees wrap up a year of study, the college invites about 150 civilians like me to join them for a week of lectures and discussion. Lots and lots of discussion.

We were divided into groups of a couple dozen each to discuss whatever hot- button national security topics we cared to discuss. Periodically we'd all come together in a big auditorium where retired brass and think tank brainiacs would throw gasoline on the fire, each one announcing that they'd been told, "Be provocative." Then we'd head back to our classrooms to discuss things some more.

Many of the participants didn't have much in common -- conservative and liberal, religious and not, military and civilian. These days, people from opposite camps always seem to wind up in "us versus them" fights that generate more heat than light. In my group alone there were officers from all the U.S. service branches as well as a military officer from an African nation and one from Eastern Europe, plus a handful of business execs, a real estate mogul, a lawyer, a state government official, a couple of educators, a shrink, and me, a reporter.

Not exactly shy and retiring types. And each and every one of us were encouraged to sound off, practically an invitation to unleash our frustrations and dump on our classmates. I mean, we were digging into topics like gays in the military and whether or not the media is to blame for the growing unpopularity of the war. The kinds of things, like politics and religion, that you don't bring up at a social gathering if you don't want the party to turn into a brawl. In fact, toward the end of one session, someone actually did raise the issue of religion.

"That's a foul," drawled another participant with a glance at the clock. "No fair introducing something as controversial as religion and the military with only two minutes left."

But if you thought the person crying foul was objecting because there wasn't enough time for a counterattack, you'd be wrong. Instead, what that person was complaining about was that the session would be over before we could all hear everyone's thoughts on the subject.

That was the amazing thing about the week. As it turned out, it wasn't about getting things off our chests and scoring points. It was about each of us sharing our experiences and concerns, and yes, our opinions, while the rest of us listened and learned. We'd be talking about Africa, which was just an intellectual exercise for all but one of us. And then someone would say, "I'd be interested to hear what our friend from Africa thinks about all this," and suddenly he'd be helping us see it in a whole new light. That's not to say our discussions were never heated. We were tackling tough subjects. But we were wrestling with them together, and that produced a great deal more light.

The reason we were able to engage in vigorous, civilized debate for an entire week comes down to one word. Respect.

Respect opens ears and minds. Respect turns fists into outstretched hands. Respect says your experiences and perspectives are just as real and valid as mine. With a foundation of respect, you can forge bonds that will leave you weepy when it comes time to say goodbye after only one week together. Which was exactly what happened on the last day. Seasoned officers and hard-nosed civilian professionals alike were wiping their eyes.

The Army War College's motto is, "Not to promote war, but to preserve peace." By fostering respect, they are doing that. Respect is a goal we military spouses already aim for in our family readiness and support groups. It's a lesson the shouting heads on TV could certainly use, not to mention our elected civilian leaders. In fact, I wish we could send all our civilian leaders to the War College for a lesson in peace, and the leaders of a lot of other countries, too. Mutual respect makes it possible for us to take the time to hear each other out, which defuses conflict, and that results in a more peaceful world.

If you feel like stretching your mind on national security issues, too, read the variety of opinions in the articles on the U.S. Army War College's website. The college also publishes a quarterly journal,  "Parameters," that's also available online.