A while back, I wrote about the importance of being yourself — authenticity. To be authentic is to be comfortable with who you are and truly understand who you are. Let’s face it, we all have some less-than-admirable qualities that we prefer not to acknowledge. To overcome this difficulty, consider this simple assessment:

Rather than trying to “measure” yourself, take a look at your five closest friends. This will give you a pretty good picture of what you are really like. What are their general characteristics? Your friend, Joe, may be an introvert who is great at crunching numbers; Steve may be an extravert who can’t count past his fingers. But both guys may be trustworthy and have a terrific sense of humor. If a few of your other friends are trustworthy and quick to laugh or make a joke, then you can safely extrapolate that you, too, are trustworthy with a good sense of humor.

I wish this test was my idea, but it’s not. I read it somewhere a number of years ago and liked it. When I look at my friends, I see people I not only want to be with, but people I want to be like. And the “Five Friends” test allows me to see that I am like them.
 
My life has certainly changed over the years, and my groups of friends have changed. Just the other day I got an e-mail from a high school buddy I hadn’t talked with in years. It was wonderful to hear from him and reminisce about the guys we used to hang out with and the fun we had. Currently, my Marine buddies and I are planning our annual get-together (white water rafting in West Virginia). Then, there are my local buddies — the folks I like to have over to the house, grill some steaks for, and just kick back and enjoy the summer with.

However, when I look at each of these groups, I am able to see common threads. These threads (decency, honesty, ambition, and the ability to lob an occasional, yet killer wisecrack) illustrate that the assessment works, whether you use five friends, or 15.

But what if there aren’t common threads? What if your life is truly in transition? On active duty, we behaved in a certain way and it worked for us. In fact, what we did was considered “normal” because everyone was doing it. But as we transition, we may want to look for a new way of doing things. Maybe marriage and a family enter into the picture. Whatever the change, it won’t be consistent with what you were doing with the last bunch of friends. This will create tension, as you are faced with two different sets of friends. Using the Five Friends assessment, look at both groups objectively. The old group may still exert a strong pull on you, even though you know the new group is better for you in your new life. I understand how hard this is. But you have made this kind of transition before.

You made it through boot camp. Remember how different you were when you got back home? You were even more different after a few deployments, and even more different if you experienced combat. Sometimes, those differences are overcome by the common threads that tie the group together. Other times, those differences cause us to “move on” to a new group of friends. You can make a similar move today — and if you want to know if the move is a good one, just look at the company you keep.

Wally Adamchik is the President of FireStarter Speaking and Consulting, a national leadership consulting firm based in Raleigh, NC. You can visit the website at www.beafirestarter.com or email him at wally@beafirestarter.com. His new book is No Yelling (www.noyelling.net) is available online.