My Navy husband has often left me alone on holidays -- gone to the Persian Gulf, Iraq, Afghanistan ... Car trouble left me completely alone in the middle of nowhere in Texas one Thanksgiving. For my holiday dinner, I ate a pimento cheese sandwich out of a gas station refrigerator case. I felt pathetic.

The holiday season is a time of year when it's hard to be alone under the best of circumstances. It's even harder if you're alone because of a war. War has the power to leave us not just alone, but lonely -- agonizingly lonely. There are several ways war can do this to us.

For some of us military spouses, war has left us alone on Christmas by deploying  our servicemember far away to a dangerous place. So on top of being lonely, we're worried. Fear, helplessness, and loneliness can lead to depression, which can lead to self-medication with alcohol or even thoughts of suicide. When these depressed spouses look around, it seems like everyone is handling the deployment well but them. They feel like failures. They're too ashamed to admit they're in trouble.

Others of us are alone on Christmas because even though our combat veteran has now returned in body, he or she isn't with us in spirit. Their hearts and minds are still "over there." Maybe they came home only to move out, saying things like, "I can't feel anything anymore..." Including any feelings of love. These numb combat veterans often refuse to get help because they think no one can understand what they've been through. What a lonely feeling! Or if they're still in the military, they may not want to admit they need help for fear it will hurt their career. Sometimes they really don't think they need any help; they claim they're doing just fine. But if they are suffering from combat trauma, their families are suffering, too. And if they don't get help, the whole family is being set up for a lifetime of loneliness and struggle.

And then there are our new military widows and their children. War has guaranteed that, for them, there will always be a lonely hole in the midst of every holiday to come. They often suffer from depression without realizing it.

These examples of profound loneliness have no simple answer. But sometimes a single small step can make a big difference. Here's a suggestion of one step that's easy to take. If you think you might have a problem, or if the people around you are telling you that you have a problem and you're not sure you believe them, go to www.militarymentalhealth.org and take a self-assessment test. It's free. And more importantly, it's anonymous. No one will know but you. After you take the test, it tells you, confidentially, whether or not you may be suffering from a psychological injury or illness. If a problem is suspected, it lists resources that can help. The test doesn't report you to anyone. It leaves the next step to you. For people who are concerned about admitting they need help, www.militarymentalhealth.org is a safe way to find out if they do. For those who don't know where to turn, it's an easy way to get started on the path toward feeling better again.

Here's another small, simple step that can make a difference. Invite someone to share the holiday with you. Reaching out to the people around us is a natural part of the military lifestyle -- it's something military families have always done. Those of us who are alone can do this just as easily as those of us who are awash in family and friends. Make the invitation specific: "Would you like to come over for Christmas brunch?" Or, "Do you want to go see a movie Christmas day?" Don't ask if they have plans. Who wants to admit they have no plans for Christmas? Just issue the invitation.

By taking small steps like these, we'll be that much closer to leaving behind the loneliness of war.