Dear Gene-Thomas,

Following my husband’s deployment to Iraq, our love life seems to have gone downhill. Do other military couples also experience this problem? Linda

Dear Linda,

Deployments and exposure to death and suffering in combat can affect people in a number of ways. In a previous article entitled, “Helping Returning Combat Veterans,” I discussed how spouses can help their partners, some of whom may even suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Whether your “love life” is being affected by experiences that your husband had on his last deployment, or by other factors, is difficult to say. Ordinarily, it requires counseling to assess the real causes for certain marital problems.

Even though I have written how the majority of military marriages end in divorce today because of financial problems, difficulties involving sex and sexuality also rank very high. One only has to review various online forums to discover how many people write letters similar to your own.

Bob and Sheri Stritof who have a weekly marriage column at about.com point out that “Good lovers are made, not born.” After years of research and dialoging with thousands of married couples, they concluded that “communication is the key to great sex.” Whether couples have been married for several years or just a few months, their sex lives are enhanced most effectively by their willingness and ability to communicate their expectations, hopes, fears and desires. How well do you and your husband communicate and share your respective expectations and desires?

People waste billions of dollars ordering products online with the idea that sex and marital bliss are all about “size” or “shape.” If this were true, then good looking and well-built couples would be happily married and sexually fulfilled, whereas unattractive and less endowed individuals would be doomed to sexual frustration and unhappiness.

With the risk of sounding too religious, the fact is that relationships are primarily spiritual – not physical. Hence, if a wife were to say to her husband, “Don’t touch me,” it ordinarily has very little to do with her husband’s sexual prowess. In almost every case, it has to do with something her husband said or did to upset her. Only after the emotional hurt has been healed and they are spiritually reunited will she once again want to get close to him sexually.

In an effort to help you rejuvenate your “love life” that “seems to have gone downhill,” you and your husband may consider discussing various ways of rekindling the flames of love that were more intense in the past. Most women prefer to be romanced before becoming intimate. Since your husband returned from Iraq, have you had a romantic candlelight dinner together at home or at an upscale restaurant complete with soft music and void of any distractions? When was the last time you surprised your husband upon his return home and took the lead in orchestrating a most intimate of evenings? Has your husband ever surprised you on an occasion other than your birthday or Valentine’s Day with roses or lingerie? Have either of you ever considered escaping together some weekend to a cozy bed and breakfast in a scenic area conducive to romantic walks? The point is that the responsibility for being romantic belongs to both of you.

If your respective efforts are unsuccessful in rekindling the “sparks” that used to fly in your relationship, you might consider counseling to help identify what underlying problems might be contributing to your sexual malaise. Some military couples that are hesitant to discuss their sexual problems with chaplains or base family support counselors find themselves more comfortable in meeting with civilian counselors available without cost through Military OneSource (800-342-9647).

By working together at improving how you communicate your needs and expectations, and by proactively trying to please each other in all respects, I hope and pray your love life may become even better than ever!

Gene-Thomas Gomulka
Author of The Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military available at www.plaintec.net/
Have a question or comment?  Write Gene-Thomas at letters@plaintec.net