Dear Gene-Thomas,

I was the maid of honor at my best friend’s wedding. She just told me that her husband wants a divorce now that he has returned from Iraq. It scares me because my husband is deployed and I know other couples whose marriages are in trouble. Bonnie

Dear Bonnie,

It is a documented fact that multiple long-term separations can have a harmful affect upon even the best of relationships. When I wrote The Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military, it was not only to help dating and engaged couples assess their preparedness for marriage, but also to help married couples survive the challenges posed by military life, including multiple deployments.

The reason I began my book with a chapter dedicated to “Communication” is because it is the key to any successful relationship. Multiple means of communicating are available today (email, letters, cards, video conferencing), all of which should be utilized in order to keep one’s relationship alive and strong. Even though spouses may wish to communicate on a daily basis, they need to know that circumstances (operational security, military operations) may develop that can prevent them from communicating with one another for a period of time.

Trust is the foundation upon which all marriages are built. Love cannot endure without it. Marriages cannot survive if there is a lack of trust between the partners.  One should never assume that infidelity will occur simply because someone else may be known to have been unfaithful. Find encouragement in the fact that most military couples do not have to deal with this problem during deployments because of the love and commitment they feel for one another.

Your decision to marry was not a one-time matter, but is something that needs to be reaffirmed daily, weekly, monthly and annually. When both spouses firmly believe that marriage is a life-long commitment and they work together to strengthen that commitment, their chances of surviving even the most difficult challenges posed by military life are significantly enhanced.

Another chapter in my book is entitled “Great Expectations.” Couples who have to deal with multiple deployments need to share their expectations about being apart from one another, as well as their expectations once they are together again. The reunion phase requires great sensitivity on the part of both the deployed service member as well as all members of his or her family. While reconnecting may require some time alone apart from the children, parents and in-laws should not be too intrusive lest their presence and involvement harm the reunification process of the military family.

These are only but a few suggestions for you and your deployed husband. Just because your best friend may end up getting a divorce should not move you to question your own marriage commitment. With the realization that more than half of military marriages that end up in divorce could be saved with professional help, you might suggest that your friend and her husband avail themselves to the assistance provided by chaplains, family support counselors, and civilian counselors under contract with Military OneSource (800-342-9647). In the meantime, instead of possibly being harmed by your friend’s unfortunate dilemma, write your husband and let him know how much you love and miss him, and can’t wait to embrace him upon his return.

Gene-Thomas Gomulka
Author of The Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military available at www.plaintec.net/
Have a question or comment? Write Gene-Thomas at letters@plaintec.net