Movie Review: When in Rome

Connie Ogle - Miami Herald

There is a difference between what's sweet and funny and what's creepy and moronic, although the makers of the dismal romantic comedy "When in Rome" don't seem to understand the difference. In the interest of never having to watch a movie so inept again - and to save you all from the same fate - I offer a quick primer.

Rule No. 1: If, in your movie, a bunch of weirdos in Italy fall suddenly in love with a pretty Guggenheim curator (Kristen Bell) just because she removes their coins from a magical love fountain, and they follow her home to New York and begin terrorizing her, such actions are called stalking. It's not cute. It's actionable.

Rule No. 2: If Danny DeVito paws the leading lady, it's creepy, especially if he talks about sausage while doing so.

Rule No. 3: If Jon Heder from "Napoleon Dynamite" breaks into the leading lady's apartment, it's also creepy, even if Pedro is with him.

Rule No. 4: If you make the hilarious Will Arnett ("Arrested Development," "30 Rock") completely superfluous, you should be consigned forever to production on "Jersey Shore," which quite frankly is a lot more coherent than this mess.

I could go on, but you get the idea.

"When in Rome," which has been sitting on the shelf approximately since the first stone was laid down for the Coliseum, is a tiresome time-waster, a film that expects us to believe that beauties like Bell (so bright and sassy back in her "Veronica Mars" days) can't get boys, that getting married to some dude you sat next to on a trans-Atlantic flight after two weeks is the best of all possible worlds, that you shouldn't love your job as much as you love guys. And then it doesn't even offer you any good jokes to laugh at, only Josh Duhamel walking into poles. (He plays a guy who may or may not be under the fountain's spell, although let's be real: If he wants to date you, why make a fuss?)

"When in Rome" tries hard to be a modern-day fairy tale, but it fails. If such magic really exists, then please, Gods of Love, make this movie disappear.

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When in Rome

1 Star

Cast: Kristen Bell, Josh Duhamel, Anjelica Huston, Will Arnett, Jon Heder, Dax Shepard.

Director: Mark Steven Johnson.

Screenwriters: David Diamond, David Weissman.

Producers: Rikki Lea Bestall, Gary Foster, Mark Steven Johnson, Andrew Panay, Ezra Swerdlow.

A Touchstone Pictures release. Running time: 95 minutes.

Rated PG: some suggestive material.

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