Goin' to the Cannes

Military.com - Tom Miller

Memo: Goin' to the Cannes

To: Editor, Military.com

From:  Your Humble Entertainment Columnist

Hi Boss,

Guess what?  It's that time of year again.  What time?  The time when I ask permission to cover the world's most important film event, and you break my heart. 

I'm sure that you're wondering why I keep torturing myself like this when there's no way on God's green earth that the elves in accounting are going to say yes. 

Well, I'm hoping that this is the year that they finally get over the public beating they took over all those nasty stock options.  It used to be that you never heard subpoena and accountant in the same paragraph, much less sentence.  Whoops.  I shouldn't use the word "sentence."  It has too many bad connotations for the numbers boys. 

Anyway, the 61st Cannes Film Festival opens in less than a month--May 14, to be exact—and there's going to be lots of interesting stuff going on.  Stuff that any outfit that hopes to be taken seriously for its entertainment reporting will want to cover.  (FYI: They expect 4000 journalists this year?  What's one more?)

Did you know, for example, that the latest—and likely last—Indiana Jones film ("Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull") will have its international premiere at this year's Festival?  Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, Harrison Ford, and Cate Blanchett are all expected to attend.  Shouldn't Military.com be there too? 

Another American, iconoclastic director Quentin Tarantino, is scheduled to give this year's Cinema Masterclass.  He'll discuss his experiences as a director and screenwriter.  Maybe he'll bring Uma along to provide an actor's perspective on Tarantino's inimitable direction.  Maybe I'll get to interview Uma.  Maybe there is a God.

You can call it history or you can call it silliness, but the Festival intends to pay tribute to the 40th anniversary of the 1968 demonstrations in France that closed schools, factories, and even the Festival.  When French filmmakers like Francois Truffaut and Jean-Luc Godard blocked the showing of films in sympathy with workers and students, the organizers shut down the Festival.  Now, several of the films that were scheduled to premiere at Cannes in 1968 will finally be shown at the Festival.  They're French films so I doubt that forty years have improved them. 

In addition to viewing (and reviewing) the films and staking out the Red Carpet and interview sites, I also plan to check out the comings and goings along the Boulevard de la Croisette and down at the beach.  What kind of journalist would I be if I covered only part of the story?  Anyway, it reminds me of what I like best about the French: their thrift.  Think how much they save by buying only half a swimsuit?  Why can't American women be so thrifty? 

Don't worry that I might frequent any of the clubs and casinos along the Boulevard.  First, I haven't had a drink since the VNAF Club at Tan Son Nhut in 1971.  Don't ask.  My wife reads this.  Second, I don't gamble.  Unless you count marriage.  And, working for an outfit that prints stock options like Confederate dollars. 

I've already checked out the expenses, and it's not as bad you might think.  I'll use my personal frequent-flier miles, of course.  As for accommodations, I can't find a Motel 8 anywhere along the French Riviera, but I did find a 314 Hotel.  Maybe they're comparable in price.  I also found a Best Western.  Who knew?  I bet its presence galls the French almost as much as McDonald's. 

Speaking of food . . . If necessary, I can eat like a supermodel for a couple of weeks.  Anything for the corporate cause.   Anyway, as intriguing as places like Chez Astoux and La P'tite Maison sound, they probably couldn't fry a good cheeseburger if their lives depended on it.  And, you know me.  Too many truffles make me gassy. 

You see Boss, I've got it all figured out.  We'll get all the benefits of covering the world's most prestigious film festival and still keep the accountants—and investors, bless their gullible souls—happy. 

I don't want to play hardball with you Chief.  But . . .  Well, let's just say that it's easier to replace a few accountants than a prize-winning entertainment columnist.  Heck, you can outsource the accounting to India and save a bundle.  If you want to play enlightened reformer, you could work on a pilot program with the Bureau of Prisons.  Get all those former Enron, World Com, etc., guys out of the prison laundry and back to their calculators. 

Think about it Boss and you'll surely see it my way.  If you have any questions, I'll be at home packing.

Thanks,

Tom Miller
Entertainment Columnist
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Memo: Gettin' the Cannes

To: Our former Entertainment Columnist

From: Editor, Military.com

Hi Tom,

I'm sorry that it had to come to this.  I warned you about bringing up the issue of stock options again.  You must know that it's not just the accountants who get upset.  But, you wouldn't listen.  Well, it's come back to bite you.  Cannes is out.  So are you. 

I know you feel underappreciated, and I've tried to be sensitive.  Don't forget that I got approval to send you to the Johnny Mack Brown Film Festival in Dothan, Alabama, last year.  I never understood why you weren't more appreciative.

I also lobbied for the stock options that you received as a bonus.  How could I have known that they had already expired?  Worthless.  See, that's what happens when you irritate the accountants.

Yeah, you're creative.  But, you're wrong about the accountants.  Those guys can be very creative.  With numbers.  They just need to be more careful.  And, in any contest between numbers and words, numbers win every time.  Trust me on this.  I've never drawn a creative breath, but my stock options never expire and are always in the money.  Go figure. 

When you brought Cannes up again last month, I warned you to let it go.  But, no.  You're like a kid with a hornet's nest.  Well, you stirred things up once too often. 

Now, not only are you not going to Cannes but you're getting the Cannes. 

Au revoir!

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Copyright 2009 by Tom Miller