Email this page to friends About the Author Gene Thomas Gomulka is a retired Navy Chaplain with over 30 years of pastoral and military experience. Having received the Alfred Thayer Mahan Award from the Secretary of the Navy "for literary achievement and inspirational leadership," his goal is to promote better military marriages. To learn more about his recent works, The Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military, and his Marriage and Military Life inventory for dating and married couples, visit the Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military Website. Gene Gomulka Archives Deployment Center Spouse & Family Benefits and Resources Military Opinions Index

Dear Gene-Thomas, Thank you for your help in my search for the Navy Seal I've been communicating with online for the past two years. Unfortunately, after following your advice, I discovered that he's a fraud who never served one day in the military. All the things he told me about being in combat, being wounded, and even being decorated for courage and bravery, were all lies. Also, it turns out that he is not single, but married with two children. Please post my letter so that other single women do not fall into the same trap...

[Signed] Deceived

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Dear Deceived,

In April of this year I addressed the topic of online dating in my column in which I warned: “Some people are not always honest about themselves over the Internet. Some people conceal the fact that they are married, divorced, or have children.”

Because there are some people who meet online and develop meaningful relations, I would not want to be accused of dismissing any and all forms of online matchmaking. What I do suggest, however, is that people who meet online meet face-to-face at some point in a safe place before becoming too emotionally involved.

One of the problems I have with the methodology involved in some matchmaking programs is that they attempt to match partners based primarily on common interests and similarities. While it is good that partners have a certain number of things in common, bonding is also helped by certain differences that compatibility tests can overlook. For example, if one partner is an exceptional cook while the other partner can't even boil water, such a difference can actually be a plus in their relationship.

How many Hollywood marriages are strong and happy when both partners are successful actors? If my wife and I are both writers, could I become jealous of my wife if her books are selling better than mine? I'm not saying that marriages cannot succeed if both partners share the same profession. What I am saying is that such common ground can often prove problematic and the source of unhealthy competition.

Studies show the effectiveness of relationship inventories in helping couples assess the strengths and weaknesses in their relationship. While the results of these inventories cannot guarantee that a couple will have a happy marriage if their test results fall within a certain percentile, they can reduce the potential of certain problems surfacing in a surprising manner after the couple has married.

Before people become engaged and marry, they need to answer a number of questions, many of which cannot be answered simply as a result of talking online. How well do you really know this person with whom you've been communicating? What do you have in common? What are some of your differences? What do you know about the other person's family and friends? Do you have similar values? Does this person have any bad habits or “baggage” that might be too much for you to live with over the years? Does he or she have any debts? Do you both view marriage as a life-long and faithful commitment? Do you both want to have children? What are your sexual expectations? Does religion play a part in either of your lives? These are only but a few questions that people should be able to answer before making one of the most important decisions of their lives.

Whether you are “dating” someone via the Internet or a person who lives down the street from you, it's important to evaluate your strengths and weakness before making a commitment. Relationship inventories such as Marriage and Military Life, Prepare, and FOCCUS are specifically designed to help dating couples critique their relationships and enhance their chances for life-long and happy marriages. Books such as The Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military offer advice to dating and married couples that can help them cope with the multiple challenges involved in being married in the military.

Gene-Thomas Gomulka

Columnist and author whose books are available at www.plaintec.net

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Have a question? Write Gene Gomulka at letters@plaintec.net

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