By Captain Gene Thomas Gomulka
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Dear Gene-Thomas, I am engaged and we are getting married in two months prior to my fiancé's deployment to Iraq. When I hear about the high number of divorces there are in the military, I get worried about what might lie ahead for us. Are these just pre-marriage jitters that most couples experience?...
Julie
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Dear Julie,
Just as the military prepares personnel for dangers they might face in combat, so too should couples prepare themselves for obstacles they might encounter while being married in the military. In order to reduce your chances of being divorced, it is important that you talk about how you will deal with any number of issues that have weakened, and in some cases destroyed other couples' relationships.
You might consider asking some of the following questions: Have you discussed how you will deal with multiple long-term separations (i.e., deployments) that can take a toll on even the best of relationships? Are you in agreement about making the military a career or leaving after fulfilling an initial contract? Do you agree about purchasing the home or cars you can truly afford to buy? These are but a few questions that military couples need to address and resolve in a mutual and satisfactory manner.
While it would be nice if all of our plans for the future came into being, the reality is that unexpected problems sometimes occur that test our ability to cope with certain tragedies. How does a wife deal with the loss of her husband in combat while she is pregnant and taking care of her two-year old child? How does an engaged Marine cope with the fact that his fiancée broke off their engagement after he lost his leg stepping on a mine?
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Grief and pain that derive from a particular loss do not only involve the passing of a relative or friend, they can also result from being sent to a remote unaccompanied duty station while one's family remains behind; deploying when one's wife is due to give birth before the spouse's return; being transferred around the time one's child is just about to graduate from school; being relocated to an undesirable assignment where one or both partners strongly do not want to go; or not being selected for promotion, particularly when one believes that far less qualified people were selected.
It has been said, “Happiness derives from an appreciation of who we are and what we have received. Whereas, unhappiness stems from a preoccupation with whom we are not or what we do not have.” If marriage involves both good and bad times, do you tend to look at life positively or negatively? From your perspective, is the glass half-full or half-empty?
It has also been said, “For a couple to say they are truly happy, they have to experience at least five good times for every one bad time.” What ratio of good to bad times do you believe exists in your relationship? Have your number of good times to bad times grown, decreased or remained constant over the course of time?
In addition to utilizing the services of chaplains and counselors who are trained to help you cope with various challenges involved in military life, so too do various publications like The Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military offer insights that can help you not only survive, but also thrive within the military environment. Don't hesitate to avail yourself to all of the military support services that can impact your quality of life and help you achieve the happiness you seek for yourself and your loved ones.
Gene-Thomas Gomulka
Columnist and author whose books are available at www.plaintec.net
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© 2005 Gene Thomas Gomulka. All opinions
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