Email this page to friends About the Author Gene Thomas Gomulka is a retired Navy Chaplain with over 30 years of pastoral and military experience. Having received the Alfred Thayer Mahan Award from the Secretary of the Navy "for literary achievement and inspirational leadership," his goal is to promote better military marriages. To learn more about his recent works, The Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military, and his Marriage and Military Life inventory for dating and married couples, visit the Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military Website. Gene Gomulka Archives Deployment Center Spouse & Family Benefits and Resources Military Opinions Index

Dear Gene-Thomas, After hearing about your book in “Dear Abby,” I was led to read archived letters in your column. In so far as a number of your letters address some distressing topics, I have to ask why you don’t write more about good marriages and positive aspects of military life?

Bonnie

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Dear Bonnie,

If I were writing a weekly article for dating and married personnel instead of responding to letters, I would have the freedom to explore a broader number of marriage and family issues. However, because of the responsive nature of my column, I find myself having to respond more often to writers with troubling questions. In seeking to provide answers, it is my hope that readers with similar problems may also benefit from my recommendations.

I certainly do not want readers to get the impression that all military families are wrestling with abuse, infidelity, divorce or other problematic issues that writers have raised. There are many positive experiences that married couples have in the military, and I would like to take this opportunity to highlight just a few of them.

I'm reminded of the first time I lived in government quarters. We were not in the house five minutes waiting for our household goods to arrive when there was a knock at the door from our next door neighbor who left us the key to her house in the event we needed to use the phone or help ourselves to whatever was in the refrigerator. Ten minutes after that another neighbor invited us to join her family for a barbeque that evening knowing that we would be too tired from unpacking to make dinner. Within the week, we made more good friends and got to know our neighbors better than most civilians who live in the same neighborhood for 20-30 years. The point is, whether it's making friends in boot camp, or getting to know your neighbors in base housing, we tend in the military to make friends faster than most civilians, often forming life-long friendships that extend beyond separation from active duty or retirement.

While we have to endure-long term separations that, unfortunately, contribute to a number of problems, we also have the opportunity of traveling and living in many interesting and exciting places in the world. When I was stationed in the DC area for three tours, we would take Space-A hops to Germany to go skiing, touring, or visiting friends who were living in Europe. Being stationed overseas also proves very educational for children and adventurous for spouses who enjoy shopping and touring.

Your letter about calling attention to positive aspects of military life reminds me that we all sometimes forget how good we may have it. When I was medivaced from the Gulf in 1990 and diagnosed with cancer, military medical personnel at the National Naval Medical Center performed superbly in helping to save my life. Sometimes I think I forget how fortunate I am to have survived especially if I'm impatient when waiting for a prescription to be filled at a military clinic.

Although military exchanges are not as competitive in prices as commissaries continue to be, educational, medical, dental, housing, retirement and numerous other benefits are responsible for encouraging over 60 percent of active duty personnel to marry and remain on active duty. Recognizing that recruitment involves individuals while retention involves families, it behooves the military to promote retention by doing everything within its power to support married couples and their children.

The reason I created the "Marriage and Military Life" column and wrote The Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military, is to promote happy and long-lasting marriages. The more in love military couples are, the happier their children will be. Speaking of children, as Father's Day approaches (and as an expectant father of twins myself), let me close by wishing all fathers a very Happy Father's Day!

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Have a question? Write Gene Gomulka at letters@plaintec.net

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