Email this page to friends About the Author Gene Thomas Gomulka is a retired Navy Chaplain with over 30 years of pastoral and military experience. Having received the Alfred Thayer Mahan Award from the Secretary of the Navy "for literary achievement and inspirational leadership," his goal is to promote better military marriages. To learn more about his recent works, The Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military, and his Marriage and Military Life inventory for dating and married couples, visit the Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military Website. Gene Gomulka Archives Deployment Center Spouse & Family Benefits and Resources Military Opinions Index

Dear Gene-Thomas,

My husband wrote me from Iraq and said that he wants a divorce. We've been married for five years and our daughter and I love him very much. I don't know if he would be willing to talk with a counselor or chaplain. What should I do? Trish

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Dear Trish,

Unfortunately, I receive many letters from both deployed military personnel and family members in this regard. While deployments can help some couples appreciate one another all the more, they can also contribute to the dissolution of other relationships.

In order to cure any problem (e.g., physical, marital), it's necessary to identify the cause and not simply treat the symptoms. It's also important to distinguish between minor problems that can be cured on one's own (e.g., treating the common cold), and serious problems that require professional help (e.g., an oncologist to arrest cancer).

What exactly are your problems? Similar to people who are sick and may not know what's wrong with them, so too do some people find themselves unhappily married without knowing the real cause of their dissatisfaction. In an effort to help couples identify and address their marital problems, many counselors will employ inventories to access the strengths and weaknesses of couples' relationships. However, because many military personnel like your husband are often hesitant to seek professional help from a counselor or chaplain, these civilian tools are rarely utilized. It was for this reason I authored Marriage and Military Life, a self-grading inventory that, in addition to being a marriage preparation tool, can also help married couples identify problematic aspects of their relationship.

Once the problems are identified, the next step is to determine how serious they are (e.g., problems involving long-term infidelity in which there is emotional involvement is more serious than being dissatisfied with a spouse's culinary talents). If it is discovered that the problems are quite serious and cannot be resolved by the spouses themselves, then the couple will ordinarily need to seek professional help if the relationship is to be saved and their love is to grow.

Just like many people today who are diagnosed with cancer can be saved with professional help, so too can many couples with serious marital problems be helped to be renewed in their love for one another. Not only can many cancer survivors appreciate life far more than they did prior to their illness, so too can many marital couples experience deeper love and happiness after they have addressed and resolved problems that did not have to destroy their relationship.

About half the marriages that end in divorce today could have been saved with professional help. Unfortunately, many people will go to a lawyer to file for a divorce before first attempting reconciliation with the help of a counselor, chaplain or member of the clergy.

My advice is to encourage your husband to speak with his chaplain. If he is not open to taking this step and will not explain the reasons he wants a divorce, then you may wish to send him a copy of The Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military or any other similar publication designed to help him evaluate your marriage relationship and determine just how serious your problems might be.

I have helped many couples like yourselves through difficult times to later find themselves more deeply in love than ever. I have also worked with couples whose problems were so serious and deep rooted that divorce was the only option to avoid abuse, continued infidelity or other truly "irreconcilable differences." Similar to treating any life threatening disease, the earlier you act, the better your chances are of survival. As a cancer "survivor" myself who was saved following the first Gulf War by military medical professionals, I hope you and your husband will give other professionals a chance to save your marriage.

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Have a question? Write Gene Gomulka at letters@plaintec.net

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